Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Aged to Perfection

I love old people. They're always so sweet, honest, and they always have a good bit of advice (no matter how outdated it might be) to give you in any situation. The difference between me and any other anybody who loves their grandma is that I love old people FOR A LIVING. Let me tell ya, I have the most hilarious job EVER. It is my job to entertain every elderly man and woman's every whim. I do everything from bathroom trips, to massages, to explaining to an old man why he can't just pinch the female CNA's hineys. I have a theory that getting old is a lot like getting drunk. Your personality stays the same, but it becomes 100x magnified. An old man who may have been slightly suspicious in his youth suddenly becomes a conspiracy theorist, yelling out "NAZI!" during Dieder F. Uchdorf's LDS conference address, and asking me to lock his bedroom door so that scary tall girl can't come murder him. (This actually happened. He also believes that the history channel is the news...) The woman who may have been somewhat of a packrat in her early years suddenly feels the need to stuff her pockets with jelly and butter packets, keep 7 copies of the daily schedule from ever day in the past year, and collect Christmas ornaments from every other residents' apartments. These past few months have been especially entertaining. Some of the things I have heard from these sweet people's mouths include the following:

- In regard to an Elizabeth Smart related news report

"I'd cut his stuff so teeny he couldn't even see it. Not even with his glasses on."

- In regard to a question about why she doesn't like me

"Well, I know what you did, and you know what you did, and someday your CHILD WILL KNOW WHAT YOU DID!!!!"

- In response to my asking her to put her pajamas on

"I hope you die very soon."

- In response to a "How are you doing today?"

"Well, I haven't felt very 'how' all day! I'd say about a 2.8"

- I said "Wow, it's sure windy outside!"

She said "Yeah, I hope it kills you"

- "You're sitting right on my baby! You crook!" (reached down, picked up an invisible child and set him on her lap. Began to comb the child's invisible hair.)

- me: "Did you remember your teeth?" Her: nods at me and says "YES!" with a big, toothless grin. She is so cute.

Obviously, I love these people more than these people love me most of the time, but boy, is my job interesting. Off to work...we'll see what kind of death threats I get today.


  1. hahahaha! i was literally laughing out loud at work on this one, and got hushed by my boss ;) love it!

  2. Ok, the one about them hoping you die because you asked them to put their pajamas on made me laugh REALLY loudly. :D That just made my entire day.

  3. Hilarious! This job is the most entertaining job I have ever acquired.